24 April Will Be Hard

The Old "Family Crest". Our 3rd Baby Cat was just a twinkle in our eyes!

You know how sometimes you think you know what is going on and you think you can control stuff and all that. Well, I have been even more tired lately, weepy, feeling really more down than usual. I have found out from my doctors that there are some physical reasons, some depression stuff, but then I looked at the Calendar and Yikers, this Friday 24, April would have been a Wedding Anniversary. Well, mine and my ex-Mister's. I am still very sad about this.
We never talked about divorce. I felt a big change come over him in our last year-the way he dressed(I started not being able to recognize him really). I knew something was horribly wrong though when he threw out his beloved black doc marten boots(he had given me the girl's version one Halloween all wrapped in Orange and Black paper and ribbon). He told me how growing up in England and having to wear a uniform of a jacket, waistcoat, shorts, knee socks and black shoes was just so painful when he had reach 6 feet tall by 5th grade. What saved him was being able to wear his "way cool" doc's. To me, this is just one of the the many things that made him "him". When I saw him throwing out his docs I couldn't help but feel like I was being tossed as .





Soon after that, I was, divorce papers were filed by him and signed by me(what else could I do-he was in love with someone else now). I was out of the 1900s house we had remodeled and he was engaged and is now remarried. And, to be truthful, I have been angry, confused, sad, sorry, regretful and more and then all over again. I have wished I hadn't been an "Artist" or worked with artifacts at a museum-where we first met. The first thing he said to me was, "I like your boots!" apparently-I don't remember. He said I gave him a glare and walked away. He was, to me, a dressed fancy man who worked with computers in the fancy offices and I was a Collections Preparator working in the Lab with Artifacts and wearing aprons, lab coats, big work boots and big goggles. Why would he want anything to do with a nerd like me?





I did eventually talk to him and saving all the details, why we would get along made a ton of sense. So we were friends, and dating and then together and laughing and fixing up an old house and finding kittens and suddenly he was popping and antique East Indian Ring on my finger and asking me to marry him and I found myself naturally saying yes! Then there was a trip to the Indian section of Chicago where he bought me a sea green and aqua sari gown which was just gorgeous(this was supposed to be my wedding dress but my mom was surprising me by making me one). Then to Glastonbury, England for some history and magic and more saris-this time he surprised me with fuschia and rust coloured velvet embroiderd ones with gorgeous beads and metallic theards. He just seemed to know all my favourite things all the time and I tried to do the same for him. We played all over my home in the states and his in England. We got married here in an 1920s ballroom with Chinese Lanterns, gilded mirrors, chandeliers all surrounded by our family and friends and turquoise margaritas! He surprised me with an Irish Folk band so we could all dance in the round which was loads of fun. We already had our home routine down. He built me a studio off our house. I got my first printing press ever-what a dream! Our best friends were my twin and her husband and their little boy. We all had fun together and he met more of my friends too. He was there when my twin had her 2nd baby boy and one of the first people to hold him. We got in fights and made up. We mainly laughed and laughed and shared a crazy sense of humour. Of course there was more. But, of course there was less and more that I didn't know about.



I never ever thought I would get divorced from him or that he would want me gone. I never saw it coming which is what still makes me sad. I never got closure so I have to make it on my own and that is hard. I will never know what happened so I think the worst-that it is all my fault, that I didn't try enough, that I often got lost in my own little world too much to work on my art especially for shows and big events. Maybe I didn't put him first enough. Maybe I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, didn't dress fancy enough or try to look pretty for him-I was pretty much always in my work clothes with my hair up in a knot on my head.





So, I will think about this and run this around as long as I need to I guess. I know my friends want to help by saying he was "all bad" and that if he was ever good to me it was part of an act. I know they mean the best, but those kinds of remarks me feel like such an idiot and that only a liar and a big jerk would choose me. So, who knows. Will let you know how things are this time next year. Here are images that still float through my head. One thing I do know is that I sure don't want to be married to him anymore-not at all-not now or ever again. Will let you know how things are going this time next year-hopefully I will have forgotten all about him.

So far now, I am feeling like Miss Havisham or Giselle even though we did live together as a married couple in our house and had plans for a future. It is an easy feeling to put on-that of being cast off.