Monday, April 20, 2009

24 April Will Be Hard

The Old "Family Crest". Our 3rd Baby Cat was just a twinkle in our eyes!

You know how sometimes you think you know what is going on and you think you can control stuff and all that. Well, I have been even more tired lately, weepy, feeling really more down than usual. I have found out from my doctors that there are some physical reasons, some depression stuff, but then I looked at the Calendar and Yikers, this Friday 24, April would have been a Wedding Anniversary. Well, mine and my ex-Mister's. I am still very sad about this.
We never talked abo
ut divorce. I felt a big change come over him in our last year-the way he dressed(I started not being able to recognize him really). I knew something was horribly wrong though when he threw out his beloved black doc marten boots(he had given me the girl's version one Halloween all wrapped in Orange and Black paper and ribbon). He told me how growing up in England and having to wear a uniform of a jacket, waistcoat, shorts, knee socks and black shoes was just so painful when he had reach 6 feet tall by 5th grade. What saved him was being able to wear his "way cool" doc's. To me, this is just one of the the many things that made him "him". When I saw him throwing out his docs I couldn't help but feel like I was being tossed as .

Soon after that, I was, divorce papers were filed by him and signed by me(what else could I do-he was in love with someone else now). I was out of the 1900s house we had remodeled and he was engaged and is now remarried. And, to be truthful, I have been angry, confused, sad, sorry, regretful and more and then all over again. I have wished I hadn't been an "Artist" or worked with artifacts at a museum-where we first met. The first thing he said to me was, "I like your boots!" apparently-I don't remember. He said I gave him a glare and walked away. He was, to me, a dressed fancy man who worked with computers in the fancy offices and I was a Collections Preparator working in the Lab with Artifacts and wearing aprons, lab coats, big work boots and big goggles. Why would he want anything to do with a nerd like me?

I did eventually talk to him and saving all the details, why we would get along made a ton of sense. So we were friends, and dating and then together and laughing and fixing up an old house and finding kittens and suddenly he was popping and antique East Indian Ring on my finger and asking me to marry him and I found myself naturally saying yes! Then there was a trip to the Indian section of Chicago where he bought me a sea green and aqua sari gown which was just gorgeous(this was supposed to be my wedding dress but my mom was surprising me by making me one). Then to Glastonbury, England for some history and magic and more saris-this time he surprised me with fuschia and rust coloured velvet embroiderd ones with gorgeous beads and metallic theards. He just seemed to know all my favourite things all the time and I tried to do the same for him. We played all over my home in the states and his in England. We got married here in an 1920s ballroom with Chinese Lanterns, gilded mirrors, chandeliers all surrounded by our family and friends and turquoise margaritas! He surprised me with an Irish Folk band so we could all dance in the round which was loads of fun. We already had our home routine down. He built me a studio off our house. I got my first printing press ever-what a dream! Our best friends were my twin and her husband and their little boy. We all had fun together and he met more of my friends too. He was there when my twin had her 2nd baby boy and one of the first people to hold him. We got in fights and made up. We mainly laughed and laughed and shared a crazy sense of humour. Of course there was more. But, of course there was less and more that I didn't know about.

I never ever thought I would get divorced from him or that he would want me gone. I never saw it coming which is what still makes me sad. I never got closure so I have to make it on my own and that is hard. I will never know what happened so I think the worst-that it is all my fault, that I didn't try enough, that I often got lost in my own little world too much to work on my art especially for shows and big events. Maybe I didn't put him first enough. Maybe I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, didn't dress fancy enough or try to look pretty for him-I was pretty much always in my work clothes with my hair up in a knot on my head.

So, I will think about this and run this around as long as I need to I guess. I know my friends want to help by saying he was "all bad" and that if he was ever good to me it was part of an act. I know they mean the best, but those kinds of remarks me feel like such an idiot and that only a liar and a big jerk would choose me. So, who knows. Will let you know how things are this time next year. Here are images that still float through my head. One thing I do know is that I sure don't want to be married to him anymore-not at all-not now or ever again. Will let you know how things are going this time next year-hopefully I will have forgotten all about him.
So far now, I am feeling like Miss Havisham or Giselle even though we did live together as a married couple in our house and had plans for a future. It is an easy feeling to put on-that of being cast off.


Lena said...

Oh dear Merle :(
It was not your fault. You are beautiful, kind and loving.
He was not mature it seems and he has no idea the treasure that he lost!
You are one of a kind girl!
Never doubt that!

Lena said...

I forgot to add:
Your kitties are just the loveliest creatures.
I'm a cat lady so I love them! So glad you have their feline presence around!

Little Brown Sparrow said...

Although I don't know the situation at all, I don't think he could've been a bad guy. You obviously worked well together and would've had genuine love at one point. But some people just aren't capable of settling on a feeling, or they get itchy feet, or their lives scare them so much that they change everything just to get away from it. Sounds weird but true- the amount of times I've changed my whole world just to realise later I've made a mistake, I've just run from happiness. Who knows, maybe he regrets his actions now.

All I do know is that nothing me or anyone else can say will make it less painful, but i can try to cheer you somewhat by giving you a big squishy cyberhug, and reminding you that it doesn't matter where we've been in life, only where we're going. Everything is a lesson, an adventure- who knows what amazing things lay around the bend? Think of the wonderful life you have now, my darling- as Dumbledore once said it does not do to dwell in dreams. What might have been might never have been as amazing as now. *big hearts*

KeKe said...

Oh...I don't know you/the situation, but I do know this...I'm on my 3rd marriage. (At only 40.)
People grow and change and if they can't grow together, then they grow apart...Idk why he left, but, maybe there is someone out there who is TRULY your soulmate? I found mine on my 3rd try. I know that doesn't sound right, but, it is what it is.
It's nothing you did, I did, my ex's did...people just change, or maybe he really didn't know what he wanted? Thats all...But I do know, that when the "real-life-changing-forever-and-ever relationship comes along, you'll surely know it. And while it may not seem that way now. You will see subtle differences in the same things....he will come along and touch your soul at your most inner core and you'll know that it is true love. And most importantly, he'll feel the same way...You'll find it again. He's out there.
Keep your chin up my dear and be open to receiving love again....

RowanDeVoe said...

Thank you all. I ran down here to erase this! I know so many folks are so sick of me not being over this! I know it sounds stupid, but I got married for the rest of my life(except for someone getting sick or in an accident). Friends ask how I can get over long term boyfriends but not my ex husband and I tell them, "Because I didn't marry them-this was different-hugely different". But the guy I married was there and then he had closed up and was gone-I don't know where he went. I deal with depression and I sure he got sick of that-I know he got sick of all all my panic that goes with getting ready for a show but he had seen all that before we got married and I had told him all about it as I didn't have time to keep secrets about myself anymore. So, who knows. I honestly don't think he remembers me and this was only a year ago and he got remarried last fall. I will have a place in my heart for him forever though even though I know he doesn't like that-I can't help it! Thank you again for your kind words! And yes, on many occasion I have felt like banshee or vampire bride so my little cats help so much! We hiss at each other when we are ticked off!
Wishing you all well!

Lorianne Jäntti said...

No one knows your pain like you do, and no one can wakl you through it like you can.

KatinkaPinka said...

i'm so sorry you are feeling so blue. the closest relation i can make to your feelings right now is when my little baby cat toto passed away. obviously a divorce is much different, but i know that feeling of, "will i ever fully get over this?" little toto died a few days before halloween and now halloween has never been the same for me...i don't know if it ever will. but as time passes, pain eases bit by bit and you learn to grow from it. nothing like this is every easy, quick, or painless...especially when you have so many unanswered questions. it's not fair for you and you have every right to vent about it and be angry or sad for as long as you want.

*waving my feathery, rosey magic wand...*


RowanDeVoe said...

thanks katinka, that is so sad about your little toto. i had a little siamese cat, lang, and she was my world. when she died i struggled for years even though i was in my 20s-she was my "home" and my heart-i had lost my compass and "my yoda". she did send me a dream where she said that she was leaving now because she said i could do it on my own now, i asked her to stay but she said rather bluntly, "no, gotta go". i still miss her, but i can smile about her now.

it is really hard because it hurts my heart that my person could have been so mean to me as i never asked or begged to be married or even his girlfriend-he insisted. i told him to "go away! don't mess up the good think i have going on with my art and my little cottage and my friends and my best time of my life ever!". and he said he wouldn't-he loved me and wanted to be with me-protect my heart and all. the final insult is saying that none of this was real-that i had made it all up and was just going along with it. it was like the floor just dropped out from beneathe me. we had done all of this together and had had fun doing it. i thought we were building a life together but then he said no, that he was just dragging around dead weight which was me. i am still just crushed and feel crazy. it is fine if he changed his mind(well, not fine but it happens i guess), but don't erase me and make me feel crazy-that is so cruel. i have to keep these images for now so i don't go crazy-this was real and i was there and so was he and we have witnesses. he can leave, but i exist. ugh.
ah, feathery rosey magic wand!

Anonymous said...

it is definitely not your fault - I was married for 7 years to a man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with -- I was with him a total of 14 years! He left me for a woman that was just horrible and 6 weeks after our divorce was final - he married her! I guess there are no guarantees in sucks! A couple of years after our divorce, I met a man that I swear, my soul knew him the instant I saw him. He breathed new life into me and now I am the happiest I have ever been with him! I wouldn't change the course of events in a million years! Just live each day one day at a time with an open heart and know that things happen for a reason...There are better things in store for you my friend - I just know it! You are so pretty and talented - I can't believe that you don't have guys just lined up outside your door!

RowanDeVoe said...

I am so sorry you had to go through all that! I am so glad you found the right guy after going through so much pain. Thank you for your story and for thinking of me and giving me some hope. And, thanks for your last comment-so sweet! I am not really what guys in my area find "pretty" or what they are interested in though. I will have to move somewhere else but for now I am ok with being single!
take care,

Heather said...

You know what I think of this by now ;)
But I know that you are beautiful and good and so deserving of love and a happy ending. And there is still time for that. Whatever lesson in life this is meant to will get through it and survive. It just takes one day at a time. Don't doubt youreself.
Love to you~

oldflowers4me said...

oooohhhh-my darling friend-you so have a broken heart-the pain is so bad-if i had my own plane -id come and get you and bring you here to fairy cake pond-mmmmmmm-its like you have had your heart taken out-

RowanDeVoe said...

thanks tasha pixie-i do know. i do want to be over this so i wonder why i am still crying. i have to figure it all out-i think it is the "erasing" he has done-the "i never existed part" and how he was so cruel at the end. it makes me feel like such trash. that is part i need to work on.
love ya!

and thank you so much litte jo! i though i wasn't able to love anymore and i was fine with that but he convinced me that it was safe and then took it all back. i do think sometimes that my heart is gone but i still cry. i want to put it on ice and become the ice queen all the boys called me to make fun of me in school(just because i was quiet). being with you at the fairy cake pond would be so wonderful. the invitation make me so happy on it its own!
love you,

Ederafaerie said...

Oh, Merle!--I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this difficult experience! I agree with the others--I'm sure it wasn't something that you did or did not do---you're a lovely and a kind person. But people do change--sometimes slowly, sometimes unexpectedly, for better or for worse. And although the pain can be unbearable, I think what you're doing is healthy--to acknowledge it, feel it fully...and over time it will lose it's hold over you. When the time is right I'm sure you will find another who will appreciate you for who you are...
Hang in there!
*Big hug*


ps--thanks for your sweet comments on my blog--I am just catching up on my blog correspondence today! I"m glad you like my new profile picture :)

RowanDeVoe said...

Thank you so much Ivy. It has been a hard and lonely night. Everyone has been busy-some kind of holiday thing is going on here and I stay out of all that these days specifically because my ex asked me to-he said this is his and his new wife's time to have fun and be in public and wanted me to stay out of town so they could they wouldn't have to worry about running into me. It is hard staying in even if I do have work to do. I have lived here since my grandparents did. He only came over from England in his late 20s. Anyway, it is hard to tell how things will go. Thanks for your kind thoughts and for all the beautiful things you make! They are so inspiring!
hugs back,

pikesbabe said...

I am so sorry that your ex is so cruel.....Those two people you talk about(you and your ex),the ones in your memories,don't exist anymore,no one can take away the pain.I have been where you are right now,I was there for a long time....I guess I ended up getting thru a day at a time...just as you are,you are beautiful and gifted,please don't let his need to be an ass make you forget it....
(((big hugs)))Becky